Babble-icious

2005-05-22T19:22:00.000-07:00

And here it is Estee, the answer to question... I am a romantic fool. How I came up with that answer, we'll talk about it when you pay us a visit your wonderful home everyone knows as Bora.

June is coming. I will soon have to say goodbye to the summer life I've been leading, to my college friends who have graduated and will be moving on to new things. Wait a second, I feel sappiness coming up. Boo! No to that. I've had enough of that in Bora and the drunk nights spent there.

I'm at Bern's, with everyone else, yet again. Is something wrong with me that I've lost the abilitiy to enjoy my family's company? Is this normal? I spent less than 24 hours in Caliraya and it was among the longest 24 hours I've ever spent in any one place where a jetski was parked nearby. When I arrived in Manila, I was like, "I'm home! Let me take a quick shower and head over to Xavier Grille". (Weng, it's jologs, but you can't really go wrong with a 20 peso beer).

Last night was the much awaited poker party. I lost 100 bucks early, I did not counsel patience, and decided it just wasn't my lucky day. Banatan nalang ang videoke, play those sad songs, and let's beat that high score!

It's beautiful how we can talk for hours and still miss each other the day after.

Meatshopping is still on the agenda, along with frisbee afternoons, and maybe poker nights... these are the things we've been living for the past weeks. And I'm sorely going to miss it.

Here goes...

2005-04-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

I haven’t been much for poetry lately. And I’ve long past writing for sheer pleasure and inspiration. But for Bianx, Camilleefooo, TinBonbonner, and CheenaBean here goes…

Come a certain day in August of this year, I’d have known Camille, Tin, Cheena, and Bianx at least four years. Four years doesn’t sound as if it’s very long, and yet I feel incredibly old. The physical memories of the time we’ve spent together are no longer vivid. For the life of me, I cannot remember what year I almost ran over TinBon nuninooing across the AS Parking Lot, or exactly how long Camille and I spent sleepless editing videos and designing posters over packages of Winston Reds, or what year in college we were when we thought drinking beer at Chocolate Kiss at 12 noon seemed like a good idea. And yet, I am thankful that the emotional memories seem stronger than ever. Despite the time we’ve spent apart living our own lives, finding our niches, and growing into the persons we are going to be for many years to come, all it takes is one teeny text message, one look, one smile, one hyper sigaw, or whine and we know that what we share is still very much there and will last our lifetimes.

I actually miss those days where I would, willingly desire to drive the Hi-Ace into a tree, to find some sort of escape from our responsibility we call living, knowing that somewhere in the back seat are Camille, Tin, Bianx, and Cheena egging me on, doing it with certainty that I’d come to my senses, and drive us back to school, to a bar, to wherever it is we need to be.

Taking this from Kat and giving it a new twist, if there’s something we call falling in love (which is something I love, pardon the redundancy), then there’s such a thing as falling into friendship, and into sisterhood. This is it.

No regrets, the tears were worth it. You’ve all enriched my life and I’m better off with you in it. And if I’ve never said it before, I’m telling it to the world.

Terry, Bianx, CheenaBean, Dinggay, Teeds, CamilleeeFooo, Tinbon, Liv, Bernz, Risa, and of course, Sigs: Kisses!

Some Life Lessons That May Never Change

2005-04-22T00:58:00.000-07:00

Rule: Never try to swim a full lap in an 8 foot pool with a clogged nose and the flu.

I missed training today because of this nasty, nasty case of the flu I seem to have come down with. (My doctor tells me my tonsils have been infected at a seemingly another level.) I don't know what came over me, but I felt absolutely compelled to get any form of exercise down. Siyempre, swimming nalang ako, low impact and very good for the lungs. I did not nearly drown (Thank the heavens) but after swimming a third of the distance, the air couldn't get out of my nose and I totally lost my rhythm. I ended up stopping in the middle of the pool and swallowing an indecent amount of water because I forgot to start treading.

Rule: No more hopeless crushes.

Anything that involves the word hopeless, and involves acts of near insanity such as trekking a two kilometer stretch of loose sand on Puerto Galera, barefoot, kahit na under the guise of a frisbee challenge para lang makapag-interact is not good for anyone's health. (knock...knock...um, Lisa?)

Rule: If it just concerns your pride, don't pretend you don't when you really, really, do.

No regrets...

I'm alive

2005-04-20T04:59:00.000-07:00

There are days, like today where I wake up and feel like writing. Only to find out, I really have nothing to write. I want to write about only the cheeriest of things. And I've been a bit confused lately that may not really be possible.

I promised myself, no more late nights, my body can take only so much abuse. But last night was movie night with Pisay roommates (whom I've been missing), Monday was Chicken Boy night (where thankfully, I had only Diet Coke and monster isaw), Sunday was Part 2 of Sunday Cantina nights with Toto, Josh, and Dei (and they wonder bakit walang tao). I feel incredibly tired, distracted, sometimes confused???, but I can't stop myself from doing unproductive, time consuming activities like four hour tambays on the hood of RG's car with IEC oldies Iusy, Mark, Monde, and the like. What is wrong with me? It's deja vu. Me going back to a phase na dapat nalampasan ko na by now.

My friends are graduating this weekend! Parties next week. Patay na naman ako.

For now, I'll dream of the beach.

One Rant and Then Everything's Good

2005-01-27T06:51:00.000-08:00

Did I forget to say we no longer have a maid? Or we do, but she could not exist and the house would not be any different. Nagiging domestic na ako! And lumalabas na ang aking pagka-OC sa kalinisan. I actually spent Sunday morning gardening.

I'd ask her if she's seen anything of mine, and all she'd do is say yes or no and go about her business. Ahem, hindi ba niya balak hanapin? Oh, and she allows 6pm to pass na wala palang dinner and we'd end up eating pizza. Really, ha, very competent.

Whatnot

2005-01-26T18:45:00.000-08:00

I've been moping since Saturday of last week because I won't be able to go to Galera tomorrow. While my friends are enjoying the warm sun on their faces, I will be at home, studying for next week's exams and dreaming of summer. Boohoo. Buti nalang, nakapag-Tagaytay ako, kahit na on official business, it was a good refresher. I love the city, but there are a lot of times where I find I almost feel suffocated and restless being in it.

I live for each day, like today, it's been a great year, so far. (Still no signs of bad luck predicted by my Tita's fengshui expert.) Last tuesday was a dent in my fender, but that and a few ciggies aside, it's B-E-A-U-tiful!

Can't Hardly Wait

2005-01-13T20:05:00.000-08:00

What I'm really supposed to be doing now is writing down points for reflection for the Grand School later. But somehow, I can't find it in myself to focus, think, and organize my ideas into coherent statements.

I feel excited about something and ecstatic, and yet I have no idea what it is. I woke up this morning with butterflies in my stomach and no memory at all of what I had dreamt last night. But I do know that I did dream. Something big is about to happen, and I can't hardly wait.

2005-01-11T09:24:00.000-08:00

Was finally able to post all other entries I’ve saved on my laptop (which is dying, by the way). Still no pics, perhaps much, much later.

I’m just peachy!!!

Merry Christmas!!!

2004-12-25T03:49:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas!!!

Day 1 of our “Lovers in Paris” marathon. The Tagalog dubbing is way funnier. Why the hell is Ki-Joo so stiff? You’d think na with all his money, he’d manage to act like he was actually happy one time.

This year’s haul consists mainly of bath and beauty products and CDs. I can probably put up a store na.

Older, Wiser, Prettier

2004-12-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

Today is my birthday!!! Tampo ako sa ibang tao diyan, like say, Bianca! Where are you best girlfriend who did not greet me on my birthday? People whom I haven’t spoken to in months and I assumed would never remember even managed to call me at 12:01am. Boo!!!

Aside from that, today was great! I’m so self-absorbed that my birthdays always feel like the new year’s day to me, and the actual new year’s day is for me a non-holiday. After spending the yesterday shopping and a part1 (early dinner) with cousins, I had a late and leisurely dinner at Sugi with my dad and brothers (part2) and then part 3—dessert at Max Brenner’s until early morning, para umabot talaga sa birthday ko. It’s different from the usual thing that I do for my birthday, which is having my birthday dinner while relatives my age get drunk at my expense, and then I sleep through Noche Buena and wake up late Christmas morning with a slight, slight hangover.

My birthday wish: To give new meaning to the word independence. Contrary to what many people think, I have no intention of living off my parents until I get married. That and maybe, a pretty Coach purse.

Divisoria, 80 Sacks of Sugar, and 5 Cases of Food Poisoning

2004-12-22T01:21:00.000-08:00

If my day were a movie, it’s tagline would be “Divisoria, 80 Sacks of Sugar, and 5 Cases of Food Poisoning”.

I have this fantasy that plays in my mind whenever I go to Divi. In this fantasy, I am completely unfazed by the Divi pre-Christmas crowd. I do not clutch at my tiny kili-kili bag and glance warily at strangers who bump into me along the way. Then as I turn into Ilaya, this very unprofessional thief tries to make a run for my belongings and bags of bargains. Instead of crying “Tulong!!!” at the top of my lungs, I deliver a knee kick straight into his groin, a roundhouse into his side, and finally a hard punch into his face, which renders him unconscious. This unfortunate man has tried to steal from the wrong QC girl in Divi.

Real life: No, I was not at all confident that I’ll make it out of Divi alive. I was not the girl in my fantasy. I was harassed, sweaty, and tired. I also felt totally defenseless against rugby boys bumping into me at Tutuban Mall. Such is life.

I rested for a wee bit before driving to Valle to Tita Baby’s to continue with my volunteer work. I was able to put in eight hours yesterday, but apparently, it takes fifteen people more than 12 hours put together to finish packing 80 fifty-kilogram sacks of sugar into 1-kilo bags. Really, you’d never think you’d see so much sugar in your lifetime.

To top it off, I had to go out at midnight to look for a 24-hour pharmacy because a couple of my volunteers and Tita’s maid came down with food poisoning. (Kasi naman, kung may amoy na, wag na kainin!) Only to find out two things—one, Medical City has the only 24 hour pharmacy in the area, and two, there are no over-the-counter drugs for food poisoning, na they have to be brought to the hospital. All that, plus my Tita passed out from puking her guts out because she also had some of the pansit. She eventually had to be rushed the hospital and there went all simbang-gabi plans and the prospect of seeing beautiful men.

I’m sleepy!

Log

2004-12-20T17:19:00.000-08:00

Last night, my ninang held her annual christmas/tell-me-your-woes-and-let-me-make-you feel-better-with-gcs-and-anything-I-can-find-in-my-house party for ninong's former employees. It was also the kick-off for the usual series of social obligations til’ the new year. I promised myself that I’d find a way to sneak out early, but as usual I ended up staying until early morning.

Ninang Baby is a task force unto herself. My tito hails from Infanta, Quezon, where many have been hard hit by the recent bagyo, she’s started a collection of goods and cash, and sent her son Jem and his friends or SMAK—Sana Maganda Ang Kanta, their band to carol for friends. Already, Jemmie’s caroling has raised 78k (after 7 houses) and Tita was able to collect enough goods for around 500 victims. At her request, I’ve agreed to volunteer, to help organize the packing of the goods, particularly the sacks of sugar into kilo packages, some to sell and some to donate.

SMAK’s singer, Beejay, is incredible. It’s like he’s the next generation Bamboo. I have to remember this moment so that when he becomes famous, I can say na I saw him first.

Today Is Not Just Another Day...

2004-12-18T05:08:00.000-08:00

Today is Lolo’s 10th death anniversary. I pray wherever he is, he’s happy and proud of the person I’ve become. My Gramps is a man who’s changed the lives of many people because of his kindness and his belief in second chances. To this day, I still receive care packages from some of the people he’s touched—Kuya Lester, who was able to start his clothing business from one sewing machine and education given by Lolo, and Dee, our housekeeper, who after being sent to college by Lolo, was able to take her masters in Hawaii, and she now works for the US military—Galing! I hope to turn out to be as generous and understanding and as open as Lolo was.

I miss you Gramps, I miss being your favorite grandchild, and those long trips to Tagaytay and Baguio. You are one of the few people I know who has enough of that old-world class—the type that would foot the bill of a friend he chances upon at a restaurant. You are my inspiration. The world would be a better place with you in it.

Tomorrow is Diane's birthday. A great catch and boy, should she know it! I hope you never lose your sense of childlike wonder, your infectious laugh, your patience, your always positive attitude (even when you're trying to be negative, it still shows), and syempre that big smile. Love ya love ya girl!!!

What Should Have Been the Rundown

2004-12-17T10:06:00.000-08:00

It feels like I'm gaily running down the hill to finally meet my blog once more.There's a certain satisfaction from opening my laptop, connecting to the internet, and then opening the 'create entry' window. "Well, hello bloggy-foo, it's been ages!" I've turned into a blog geek.

IE Club took home the EWOC Cup… for the sixteenth year. My friend thought it was ridiculous, but really, who gets tired of winning? So what if all the effort and tears are for bragging rights and pride? People have competed for worse things.
Paulo (he's so pweety!) was kind enough to let the clubbers use his house for the after party even if it was on late notice. Talk about thirsty. The first batch of eighty beers disappeared in less than ten minutes. Many were just too exhausted from the week’s activities and ended up on the couch in the tv room, catching zzzs. Naturally, a few people got wasted, but hell, they earned it. I wanted to do a rundown, day-by-day of everything that went on during Eng’g Week, “Eng’gcredibles”, (which has kept me from going online for so long) but I feel so out of it this morning, I’m not at all sure if I can get into the nitty-gritty.

Anyway (and I’m really happy about this), Arnold placed third in the Ms. Eng’g beauty pageant. (Whopeee!) With the help of Trisha, Arnold went from scary Korean girl (that’s what he looked like to me during his pre-pageant shoot) to “Look at me I’m so pweeety!” something straight out of a manga comic. Everyone looked like proud parents—“Our boy is now a girl!”
(Looks like the blow by blow of Eng’g Week is going to take a while. I’ll get the pictures posted soon, that way I won’t have to.)

Tomorrow, happy 19th birthday to Chingkai! Sometimes, when you decide to have a noontime of quiet at the Ictus tambayan as opposed to a noon watching flaccid icky dickies run around (Oblation Run was yesterday), God rewards you with yummy caramel cake and pancit malabon. While sila Kathy and Jo were feasting on man-flesh, Chingkai dropped by with her birthday libre. Sarap ng Estrelle’s cake.

gaya-gaya from juvi's blog part 2

2004-12-11T22:50:00.000-08:00

INSTRUCTIONS:
1. Copy this whole list into your journal.
2. Bold the things that are true about you.
3. Whatever you don't bold are false.

01. When I was younger, I made some bad decisions
02. I don't watch much TV these days (no cable!)
03. I love broccoli.
04. I love sleeping
05. I have loads of books
06. I once slept in a toilet
07. I love playing video games
08. I adore marijuana
09. I watch porn movies
10. I watch "One Tree Hill"
11. I like sharks
12. I love spiders
13. I was born without hair and I still have no hair
14. I like George W. Bush (Fahrenheit 9/11 aside, you have to admit, he's better equipped to handle a war)
15. People are cool
16. I have changed a lot mentally over the last month
17. I have a NISSAN and a pool
18. I have a lot to learn
19. I carry my knife everywhere with myself
20. I'm really, really smart
21. I've never broken someone's bones
22. I have a secret
23. I hate rain
24. I drink healthy juice
25. Punk rock music rules
26. I hate Bill Gates
27. I love Vietnamese food
28. I would hate to be famous
29. I am not a morning person
30. I have semi-long hair
31. I have short hair
32. I have potential
33. I'm pure Afghan
34. My legs are two different sizes I refuse to believe my legs are identical.
35. I have a twin
36. I wear those long ass socks
37. I can roll my tongue
38. I like the way that I look
39. I'm obsessed with italian food
40. I know how to french braid
41. I can be pessimistic or optimistic whenever I want
42. I have lots of mood swings
43. I skateboard/snowboard4
4. I think that skateboarders are HOT
45. I'm in a band
46. I have talent
47. I'm always hyper no matter how much sugar I have
48. I think that I'm popular
49. I am currently single
50. I can't swim
51. my favorite color is either blue, red or white
52. I practically live in sweatshirts
53. I love to shop
54. I would classify myself as either punk or goth
55. I would classify myself as ghetto
56. I'm a prep, shop at hollister
57. I'm obsessed with my blog.
58. I don't hate anyone
59. I know how to square dance
60. I have a unibrow
61. I'm completely embarrassed to be seen with my mom
62. I have a cell phone
63. I believe in God.
64. I watch MTV on a daily basis.
65. I know how to play the tuba
66. I need coffee to live.
67. I have had a boyfriend before.
68. I've rejected someone before
69. I currently like someone and they have no idea that I like them
70. I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life
71. I want to have kids when I get older
72. I have changed a diaper before
73. I've called the cops on a friend before
74. I bite my nails
75. I am a member of the Hilary Duff fan club
76. I'm not allergic to anything
77. I love broadway plays, and have been to at least 3
78. I have no idea who the 38th president was.
79. I plan on seeing Mary Kate and Ashley's new movie
80. I am completely shy around the opposite sex (Well, not completely, but shy enough.)
81. I'm online 24/7
82. I have at least 25 away messages saved
83. I have tried alcohol or drugs at a party
84. I loved Rush Hour
85. I've read all of the Harry Potter trilogy
86. If I were a dwarf, I would be dopey
87. When I was a kid I played with G.I. Joe
88. I dont mind country music
89. I would die for my friends
90. I think that Juicy Fruit is the best type of gum
91. I watch soap operas whenever I can
92. I'm obsessive and paranoid and extremely jumpy
93. I would love to be demi moore because ashton kutchers a major hottie (And who would not want to look like demi at 40?)
94. I love the Beatles..they're classic
95. I know all the words to 'I'm a barbie girl'
96. Halloween is awesome because you get free candy.
97. I watch Spongebob Squarepants and I like it.
98. I have to fart
99. I want this damned thing to be over!
100. I'm happy

I was hoping to be able to update my blog on the up and up but duty calls. Things are good, I haven't budged a single page from 72 in The Thought Gang, and I'm in the process of writing a poem "She's gonna' blow". Finally, was able to include a tagboard in the right section of the blog. I sense prodigious work before me.

True Tests of Friendship

2004-12-11T22:31:00.000-08:00

Something else to add to my list of true tests of friendship: Dateng'g Game

And I thought the questions were all going to be multiple choice.
And may I say that TheTerminal is not a better hang-out movie than Almost Famous?! Almost Famous is a well written, beautifully directed, indie film, with a charismatic actress (Kate Hudson) in the lead. The Terminal is a typical, sappy Tom Hanks flick without the presence of timeless moments like the "Tiny Dancer" scene in Almost Famous and a monster soundstrack with songs from Led Zep and Lynyrd Skynyrd. And don't even get me started on the merits of a dating game show where in high probability, the searcher does not understand a single word of proper English.

With that being said, I can now proceed to repress and deny any memory of that experience. Dateng'g Game? Whattsat?

Inggit ako sa bloggie ni Melai! Mayroon siyang cute mouse pointer doodlything that is taunting me!

Ablir!!!

2004-12-05T20:55:00.000-08:00

Yesterday started out with me having no wallet, ids, 100 bucks, and one message to send. My cousins had dropped by the night before to chika about He-who-must-not-be-named. They were going through a guilt trip because of everything that happened. Kasi nga naman, makikilala ko ba siya kung hindi dahil sa kanila? That and the whole shebang of what-ifs.

Pia, Mond, Arnold, Jen, and I hauled ass to LaVista for Arnold's pre-pageant shoot. Made-up and in granny panties, Arnold makes one scary looking woman. And, apparently, guys' moldy asses are only funny from ten minutes to a whole hour. Let them hang around you for a day, and it becomes downright scary (please Lord, don't let me have that kind of ass!!!).

Ablir sang at IE Club's homecoming. Ang ganda ng boses niya! I think I'm in love. His voice has a quality that is not generic, it has it's own character that is smooth, suave, and friendly to the ears. I can almost imagine him singing to me for the rest of our lives together. I really, really have to make sure Kim checks out one of his gigs. Galing nila!

I think Josh got a bit drunk last night at the party in Rockwell. Very strange.

Saw "Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason" today. It's cute and sweet. I kept on imagining Colin Firth's face and body switched with that of Hugh Grant's and Mark Darcy's kindness and I was in love. Not as much as I'm in love with Ablir right now though. Wehe.

2004-12-02T20:22:00.000-08:00

The one day I am actually able to arrive on time for my 7pm class is the one day that classes become suspended in preparation for Yoyong, who is well on his way to hit some areas near or in Metro Manila. Stuck in school, bored, and dreading the aspect of spending a whole day in sleeping, I tagged along with Fel and Tish to Megamall where we found fabulous dresses for the Awiters at something like 645p. Galing. Too bad, kulang yung mga dresses so we ended up taking the train to Glorietta (my bright idea), one umbrella between the three of us. We were lucky enough not to get all that wet, and nabili pa namin yung kulang na dresses. Napa-marvel pa kami sa great discounts of the Smart Girl Txt Card.

Guess who's coming to dinner?

2004-12-02T12:30:00.000-08:00

Watching the ANC channel yesterday made me feel incredibly sad for the people in Quezon, my ninong's province. I hauled ass to ABS-CBN this morning to take part in their volunteer program for sagip kababayan. A few of the sisters also decided to drop by and help. I've never seen so many old clothes in my life, it almost felt as I was drowning in mothballs. Pinagtawanan pa nila Teeds the fact that my donation box had Bebe shrugs and matching tube tops and sweater sets. Useful naman yun' basta I make sure that the sets go in the same bag, that way no one ends up with just one piece. Wehehe.

Working at that abandoned studio, one of the project bosses came up to use and asked what school we were from. They asked what it was about UP students that made them more open to volunteerism. Ang babaw, but in some sense it made me proud to hear somebody outside of the university to say that. Honestly, I've always personally questioned the purpose of a defined RGEP program. Apparently, mukhang may nabibigay naman pala ang UP to its student population.

Afterwards, I headed off to Pisay to attend Sir Alix's wake. I assumed that Weng, Pia, and friends would be there by 5:30 since Joyce originally said the plan was to be there at 4. Nope they weren't there. And I had to endure an hour of Bibo and Ry being all perky and chummy and pretending to be friends. I felt like Grace in that episode of Will and Grace where Will was pretending he was his father's good son. It was like a bad episode from a movie like "Guess who's coming to dinner?" It was so freaky, it felt so surreal but not nice at all. Maybe it's just me being high from all the mothballs at ABS, but I couldn't control myself. What is it with Bibo? Is he on something (he's all twitchy)?

Freaking Out All Over Again

2004-12-01T20:40:00.001-08:00

Sir Alix passed away yesterday. I'm beginning to wonder if I've reached that point where everybody who is of a certain age and significance is dying. That point where you lose most of your mentors and your lighthouses. It's sad, but I suppose that's reality.

I am, thankfully, still in a state of semi-spiritual enlightenment. Although, I'm beginning to freak out again because of Josh. I have to know if we're on the same page here. It's not as if I'm assuming that he likes me or anything, it would just be better if things were clear. Napagusapan na namin to' many times before. I only want to be friends with him. I'm not comfortable with the idea of being invited to family excursions over weekends. In fact, I'm not comfortable, period. I promised myself that Id' be as honest as possible, since I've always ended up getting into certain situations because of extreme avoidance. Things are so much easier when everything is out in the open.

JuDingo

2004-11-27T14:52:00.000-08:00

I, along with Wowie, Junie, and Raffy had originally planned to attend last night's Jubingo Bells Bingo Social at the Ateneo last night (we wanted to see how the event was being handled, and maybe steal a few sponsors) but changed our minds because it didn't feel like it was going to be much fun with just a few people. Instead, we dropped by the bazaar after the seminar at LHS to see if there were any good finds. PJ, Angel, twins Don and Ron, Arvin, and the rest of the handlers hit Starbucks for icy beverages and promo stickers.

Ry happened to be at the bazaar and I was finally able to give back that damn cd, and ended up playing bingo na din, kasi Ry had an extra ticket. I felt a wee bit guilty about ditching Ictus friends but I figured the day was going so well, I might just win ten thousand pesos.

10 games, 4 sets of bingo cards, large lemonades, and a few high-calorie doughy snacks later and we hadn't won anything. Our table, which consisted of Ryan's and JC's ME friends must have been the grouchiest table there--tearing off sheets after every losing game, yelling at the hosts, cursing out loud for them missing squares. One of the hosts kept on pronouncing the B's as D's, and he was the butt of a few jokes during the game (JuDingo!!!). Nakakatawa, Kenneth even won one of those Greenhills DVD players and the whole game he was saying he didn't want a DVD player. Apart from that, the rest of us were big losers, but no one was a bigger loser than the guy with 13 tickets and not one prize. (So, we take our consolation from the misfortune of others... ) Kain na lang kami.

I was still giddy and in tune with the world from the school seminar, and being with Ryan made those sensations all the more stronger. I don't know why, but it's as if he's the most beautiful man I know. I just find that I'm quiet inside when I'm with him and thankful whenever I find he's happy. I suppose it's possible to be crazy about someone but not be in love with him. Think Ashley Judd and Matt McConaghuey. It's great to have actually reached a point where I can actually say to myself that I'm glad we broke up, because now I'm more open to getting to know the person he's become. And I find him beautiful as I find those friends I care about beautiful.

I can't help but feel a sense of euphoria from everything about yesterday--the school, listening to others talk about love, Ryan, and even JuDingo. I have to give Kuya Jess props for all of that.

2004-11-27T08:25:00.000-08:00

Day 3 of my long weekend. No, I haven't checked anything off my to do list yet. The Thought Gang is a more challenging read than I expected. (It's funny, but virtually incomprehensible without a dictionary). I woke up early today because the ABS-CBN Christmas chorus song was ringing in my ears. I'm trying to drown it out with Led Zep's "That's The Way" and Elton John's "Tiny Dancer".

I don't know how I'm gonna tell you
I can't play with you no more
I don't know how I'm gonna do what mama told me
My friend the boy next door.
I can't believe what people saying
You're gonna let your hair hang down
I'm satisfied to sit here working all day long
You're in the darker side of town.
And when I'm out I see you walking
Why don't your eyes see me
Could it be you've found another game to play,
What did mama say to me?

*That's The Way,
Oh, That's The Way it ought to be,
Yeah, yeah, mama say
That's The Way it ought to stay.
And yesterday I saw you standing by the river,
And weren't those tears that filled your eyes,
And all the fish that lay in dirty water dying,
Had they got you hypnotized?
And yesterday I saw you kissing tiny flowers,
But all that lives is born to die.
And so I say to you that nothing really matters,
And all you do is stand and cry.
I don't know what to say about it,
When all you ears have turned away,
But now's the time to look
and look again at what you see,
Is that the way it ought to stay?
That's the way
That's the way it oughtta be
Oh don't you know now
Mama said.. that's the way it's gonna stay, yeah

I was at the Loyola House of Studies yesterday for the school seminar with Brother Ogie and Mark P. Mark has always been a wonderful teacher, and now he's found his true calling--teaching pre-school children. People who are doing what they're supposed to give off this sense of peace and an aura of light, it's almost impossible not to pay attention.

Bro. Ogie gave us a few psych tests to determine how we react in conflict and in regular interactions with people. Psych tests tend to be freaky because I always end up with results that hit the mark or come pretty close. Most of the time, I never notice that I act that way towards people.

My dominant style: Supportive and Normative Parent (Ego)
Task Obsessive Adult (Super-Ego)
Creative Innovative Child (Playful, inner child)

Reactions to conflict: Low competitiveness
Compromising (middle understanding and middle assertiveness)
Mid-level avoidance
Mid-level collaborativeness

"To live is to love." (or is it the other way around???)
Love's demands: Loyalty, Attention, Commitment, Time
Love's emotions: masaya, feeling lucky, completeness, walang-pakialam, giddy, beautiful, restless...

I would never have associated these emotions with Kuya Jess. It's interesting to look at God from the perspective of friend and lover. I realize that this makes him more accessible to me as a person. And it's beautiful, the idea of him being always at my side as my friend, and then there's that hard knock: "He loves me as if I were the only thing/being in this world." Something that everyone needs to be reminded of, because we all tend to forget.

Squeeze In

2004-11-26T20:42:00.000-08:00

I'm getting some net time before what hopefully won't be another date from hell. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

Decided to give myself an extra long weekend. Ditched all classes today, but popped in on the "Hope For the Flowers" auditions, just because I've been missing the sisters lately. Camille blew her top (not for no reason), but that's always good to watch. Among those who have auditioned, I think there have been so far, a lot of good dancers and mga-pwedeng mag chorus, a few potential Yellows, but no Stripe. Camille's a big performer, and apparently, so is Anj, our other director. Silang dalawa na lang. Camille's Yellow, si Anj, Stripe. Wehehe, tapos trabaho.

I want this weekend to be semi-productive. (Definitely no more self-proclaimed long weekends for me until the next semester!!!)

My must do, should do, will probably, hopefully do over this weekend:

Borrowed a couple of books from the library. Planning on doing some heavy reading over the weekend-- Kafka's The Trial and The Thought Gang.

Must practice Italian.

Must look for Daniel's backpack. It's going to take a bit of effort, our attic storage exists in a vacuum. Things just appear and reappear at their convenience.

ME 63! Luigi might get sick of my dependency and decide to move to a spot in the class where he can solve problems in peace, or at least have a useful seatmate.

Must download ECON notes.

Must give Ry his stuff.

Geez, I've been typing this all down as it come off the top of my head. Nakakaasar. Sabog.

12man meeting tomorrow. Then a 5 hour school seminar. And sana tennis, kahit one hour lang.

"Wag' kang ganyan batch, maraming nagmamahal sayo."

2004-11-25T18:35:00.000-08:00

Walang pasok ngayon! There was a huge transport strike from one to five in the afternoon, leaving many stranded and UP students gathering at the AS steps to make use of the free time that we've been given.

I missed my morning classes and ended going to school to basically, tambay. Ang gawain ng mga batang UP. What was supposed to be a 10 to 1pm study break became a 10 to 3pm tambay at the AS plot. The great thing is for once, I actually stayed because I just wanted to. That's something I haven't really done in quite a while.

Saw Teeds, Dane, and Tinbon! Ang saya. Nakaka-disorient to be around Tinbon because it's been months. It's great that we're all coming together sa tambayan ng brods and sisters, that's one of the few things I miss about being the fanatic Sigma Deltan. And what's greater than being with them is being completely comfortable in their presence. Walang pressure to be "the senior" whatsoever.

Talked about that one insane semester. That semester where I was drugged so much it felt as if I'd slept through the days, having no memory of anything and everything. How I developed paranoia and how much I distanced myself from practically everyone who cared. Daniel went, "Wag' kang ganyan batch, maraming nagmamahal sayo." I'm so stupid because I've always known it, I just didn't believe in it enough. It felt good to hear it from another person, for another time, even if I've heard it many times.

It started drizzling and I didn't really feel like going home. Ended up driving Joey to Makati.

It's one of those days where, despite all fuck-ups, I feel lucky to be alive.

(Thanks God.)

Reaching for Light

2004-11-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

.
It would make sense that it would take two years for me to meet a person I actually like, reach the point where I'm giddy before I go to bed, only to find out later that he already has a girlfriend. So what am I? A plaything? To think, I was already considering letting him meet my friends. He is a jerk, and I hope he spends a whole week in purgatory.

It's a set-up. And so far, it's just another topping on my sundae of emotional suffering. Yes, I'm being overly dramatic. I'm in the darkness once again. Although, it didn't hurt as much as I thought it should.

But...

Today I taught my first Catechism class in two years. Today I attended my first ever Jesuit Open House at Ateneo (as strange as it may sound, I did enjoy myself). Today I felt as if I'm doing something for the world once again.

Renewed, Refreshed, and Dreaming of Florence

2004-11-20T09:34:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling a sense of renewed hope in myself and my future lately. In fact, I've started my inquiries into furthering my education abroad. I've discovered that there are actually several Masteral/Post-Graduate courses that focus on careers in the fashion industry. So far, I've submitted my inquiries to Polimoda in Florence, FIT in New York, FIDM in San Francisco, and Instituto Marangoni. My first choice is Polimoda's Masters in Fashion Marketing and Merchandising. Maybe, it's the whole living in Florence deal. I mean, if I get to study about something I love and am truly interested in, like fashion, as well as live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, I'd be in heaven. Did I mention, the entire course is taught in Italian? Lovely, lovely, lovely

I realize I'm almost always afraid to try anything. Truth is, I've put off inquiries into postgrad studies abroad for so long because I didn't want to be disappointed in the future if I end up not being able to go because of reasons I have no control over. I know, it's a stupid way to live, not trying anything, so all the time, I have to force myself to get off my ass and just do what I want no matter what.

Why oh why?

2004-11-05T11:35:00.000-08:00

I'm beginning to have feelings of anxiety... AGAIN. To top it off, everytime someone invites me to actually go out and do something, I get all anti-social and decline. It's that depresion spiral all over again.

I have no idea why I've been feeling like this the past few weeks. Maybe I've just been stuck home for so long I've developed a strong comfort level. Or maybe it's from hours of watching self-help reality shows and realizing, at 22 I still have no idea what I'm passionate about. I really have no strong feelings about anything or anyone, and i figure, shopping does not count.

What the fuck is going to happen to me? I have this great fear of being poor, being absolutely unhappy, and being stuck in that situation for the rest of my life.

Flu Blues

2004-10-19T20:06:00.000-07:00

I came down with the flu early yesterday morning and I'm dying! My throat is sore, my muscles are in serious pain, and I feel as if I have a kiloton yield in phlegm stuck in my lungs. To top it off, it looks like I'm going to have to cancel on coffee with Kirby tomorrow and a movie with Nico on Friday (and I've already bailed on high school girlfriends to Glenn's party). I doubt if I'll be feeling better until next Monday, which makes this period pretty much the core of my sem break. Oh well, I'm sure there are worse things.

My dad is in full blown depressed mode, and I'm trying my hardest to keep him and my brother on good terms. They usually get along, but when my father has the blues, he doesn't really care much about other people's feelings. I worry a lot about my brother, I was lucky enough not to have spent most of my childhood years growing up around my dad (it sounds bad, I know) and be my grandfather's baby princess at the same time, but he's spending those years when a person begins to define himself around my dad and I pray that he's not traumatized by it.

I figure if I continue letting my dad's erratic behavior (which is not unusual) bug me, I'll be stuck in that downward spiral of depression again, and I'm through with that shit.

Rain in My Cup of Sunshine

2004-10-17T07:47:00.000-07:00

It's supposed to be a lovely Sunday morning. My parents are arguing over something as silly as not answering your expected phone calls. My mom is doing her "I'm the lowest mammal in this house!" speech. Naturally, my dad is doing his "You're always picking at me!" speech. And it's just going to get bigger and bigger and it's really stressing me out. I sometimes wish they would just disappear and stop causing me emotional harm.

Times like these, I feel like packing my bags and running away. Of course it's just a fantasy. It's not as if I can live in the world the same way I do at home with the car and stuff. It's just poopoo here sometimes, and it feels as if I'm just going to be stuck in something like this, my own little Philadelphia.

First Saturday of My Sem-Break

2004-10-16T01:25:00.000-07:00

Celebrated my brother's renewal of baptismal vows today by having lunch at Saisaki/Kamayan with his godparents. Nico was present and proxied for Tita Sheila and Tito Bobot, since they weren't able to make it to Manila from Dagupan at the last minute. (Proxying for a confirmation really doesn't make sense to me.) It's been 12 hours since that lunch and I still feel stuffed.

We were finally able to find Nike Baller IDs for my brother (it must be his lucky day). I had bought him one blue and one green on the black market for 300 and Nike at Eastwood happened to have new stocks in today, and he was able to get the set containing yellow, gray, and orange for 225.

After lunch, the younger set (which includes me!!!) went to Eastwood to catch A Shark's Tale, the 3D animation movie with the voice talents of Will Smith, Martin Scorcese, Renee Zellweger, Robert De Niro, and Angelica Jolie. I thought the movie was cute, even if it wasn't completely original, kinda' like Shrek crosses Finding Nemo. As always, my brother found a way to piss me off by disappearing right after the movie, leaving Nico and I to roam two floors looking for him. Luckily that didn't take longer than fifteen minutes and didn't really spoil my mood for too long.

I also went to see Kuya Dingdong's one act play for the Koine Foundation, titled Philadelphia, with Iris, Pia, Toto (who just happened to be there). It was a lot of fun to watch my former tutor act on stage. We noticed that Kuya Dingdong seems happier now than he had ever been as our tutor. I'm so proud that he's doing something he loves, he's always been interested in theater, and it's always great to watch when doors open for a friend.

Iris, Pia, and I went to Cafe Breton to get some dinner or in my case, dessert. We talked for a while, since we never know we may meet up again since Iris gets pretty busy in PGH Med School.

Today would have been a good day if I didn't come home to catch my mom blowing her top because the keys are everywhere and dad being in a bad mood because he couldn't find his pocket tools. Sometimes, when I want to be truly cruel, I tell myself that I screw up because I've had a traumatic childhood with insane parents, and that relationships don't work out for me because I've had such poor role models. Of course I know it's not realy their fault, it just bothers me so much the way they communicate or act in certain situations. It makes me fearful of married life.

Anyway, I was able to buy a lovely knit bolero sweater from Details, this could also be the reason why I wasn't all that angry with my brother.

On Last Names of Would-be Stars among other things

2004-10-14T20:42:00.000-07:00

So I got back from the province where I had lunch with my Gran, popped in to check on my cuz, Christian who's had his appendix removed and was studying for his finals in Lolo Diding's room, and fawned over the fact we have another cousin who's going to be on tv--A is on Starstruck. We were hoping she'd change our last name into something that rolls off the tongue, something Spanish or something short, kasi our surname does not sound like the surname of a star, but she didn't. Oh well, hope it works out for her.

We're planning to attend Glen's party on monday wehehe.

Sembreak Plans

2004-10-14T20:10:00.000-07:00

My first day of sembreak and I wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Normally I'd take this for an omen and mope around the rest of the time, but I figure, might as well do something productive.

Anyway sembreak to-dos: not in order of priority

Fix school stuff in preparation for the second semester.

Finally, I can put away certain books and references. I'm off my college's probation list, finally, and I have no intention of getting back on it. There's really no room for error, as I've used my get out of jail free cards already, taking 2 LOA's for very silly reasons.

Find tutees.

I'm broke and while I could easily get a job working for the hospital, the province is just so dusty and boring. Buti sana if my province were in the vicinity of nice, quiet, white beach. I'm capable of giving academic tutorials, at least at the grade school and high school levels, so all I have to do is find students. I've placed ads for academic tutorials as well as entrance exam review in Buy and Sell and I'm going to have some flyers made today so that I can distribute it around the village. Hopefully, may kumagat.

Account for IEC's Kleenex Tissue, as well as return the streamers with the TY kit to Kimberly Clark.
Hit the gym

I haven't been to the gym in a month, and I haven't done my 5k a day jog for two weeks. I feel like an unhealthy blob. Ugh. Am definitely starting tomorrow.

Go on my version of the Atkin's Diet crosses the South Beach Diet crosses the American Food Pyramid.
Have a sembreak reading list, so far I've included Atlas Shrugged and God Emperor of Dune
Buy black and white film and take some cool pictures.
Breed labs or at least, prepare myself to.

My lab has been attracting a few non-lab guy dogs, so I figure, might as well find her a suitable boyfriend. Anyway, I'd have to find her PCCI papers, contact Tito Mel (the breeder), do some research on breeding, PCCI regulations, and determine how much it's going to cost me to breed puppies, raise them over two months, place ads (in case there are too many of them, although I'm planning to give puppies to my Lola, one of my mom's friends, and a couple of cousins, plus the breeder gets pick of the litter and my dad is in love with the idea of a handsome black lab), vet fees, and equipment (I don't think my mom is keen with the idea of puppies running around the house).

Bianca's Surprise Beeday

2004-10-12T18:29:00.000-07:00

Was so darn harassed over the last few weeks of school that I wasn't able to write about my best friend Bianca's surprise bday dinner at her boyfriend's fun grill resto, Grizzle last September 18. Aisa, Weng, Lea, Joyce, Pia, Lisa, and I made it, which isn't so bad for attendance considering it was last minute and it was in far north. A first for us is that we've managed to include high school guy friends--Toto, Josh, Ry, Martin--in the party. Of course, the dinner was really more like a soiree, with the guys on one end and the girls on the other. Well, baby steps, it's better than nothing.

Ry and I managed to get lost and end up in Cavite, funny thing, I could have picked up Ada na had she been available. The long road trip was cool, we just managed to laugh at ourselves and our lack of a sense of direction and joke about making up for time, bwahaha, except I got really hungry na.

I had planned to leave after half an hour because I had an accounting exam the next day, but no such luck (not that I'm complaining), and got home around 1.

Few days later, I imagined what it would be like for all of us to be pushing forty and single (not for a lack of face and intellectual value, but out of sheer laitera-ness) and still having Toto and the gang over to our birthday dinners as our hunks. Please Lord, Noooo!

Downloaded the pics from the egroups today:

Bianca's Beeday Pics

Aww...

2004-10-11T14:55:00.000-07:00

Last night, while I was standing on the line in between being perfectly okay and abosolutely melancholy, I found myself missing the sisters and checking out Camille's Multiply page and I came across this picture from 2003's Guerilla Signage. I suppose it felt a lot like being forty and looking at my yearbook pictures. It reminded me of the things we've been through and how we looked at the world. I truly doubt if we'd ever come together as we did in that picture, soon, anyways.

Anyway, this just in, I actually passed that damn IE 135!!! Whooopeee!

My Pride is Slow Suicide

2004-10-10T22:46:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, when the worst things happen, I stop myself from posting it on my blog and immortalizing it. Parang gusto ko kasi, puro maganda things lang ang nangyayari. There's a comfort in the pretense that my life, on paper (or the web) at least, is great.

Teeds once told me, the kind of pride I have is the type na nakakamamatay, and thinking about it, it probably is.

My dad has one gift he uses the most among the many that he has. My dad has this great ability to kill the spirit, and he doesn't even have to try very hard.

An Exercise to Further My Self Absorption

2004-10-09T18:47:00.000-07:00

To get my mind of the potentially depressing things to come.

People may be surprised to know that: I can take care of myself. I like to be taken care of, but that doesn't mean I can't do it myself.

The things I love most about myself is: I can really make people feel loved when I want to and when I really like something, I get into it in a big, big way.

What I hate the most about myself: My arms! My thighs!!!

The thing that makes me the most angry is: injustice.

The most important things I've ever learned is that: You can depend on other people. You can ask for help. And that everything that happens is the right thing--the right time, person, thing, dadadada... we just like to say it's wrong because we don't get our way.

The secret to happiness: I don't think I've gotten to that point where I can say that I am in a state of lasting happiness, so let's save this for later.

If money was no option: I would travel the world, stay at places months at a time and actually really just live there, and take languages, arts, and dance classes.

My best ever outfit is: Those outfits on the days where I wake up feeling the world is great and everything is going to be just fine. Those days, I usually just get the first thing I see in my closet, but it always feels like it's the best look.

The soundtrack to my life would be: Something like OC crosses Maren Ord crosses Indigo Girls--something sad, happy, and angry yet hopeful and inspiring all at the same time.

When I retire I would like to: Have a house at a quiet beach somewhere, and have my grandkids visit in the summers.

The world would be a much better place without: Barriers and borders, and all those negative isms.

What makes my life worth living: The knowledge that there are many more beautiful things in this world I haven't yet experienced and love.

10 Memories that have stuck in detail: (I remember them like movies in my mind.)

1. Jogging cross country in fourth-grade in under 15 minutes (I can't do that anymore, I've really gotten old.)
2. Hanging out under this tree in my high school, the tennis court, and the seniors' table in the cafeteria with Bianx, Rachel, Aisa, Dij, Wil, and Nikko.
3. Afternoons with Ada and Aina in our high school dorm room.
4. Travelling to another country (U.S.A.) alone for the very first time.
5. Sleeping on my luggage at the Hilton London lobby. (for fear of losing my stuff)
6. Elwil and SSIP.
7. That date where I felt absolutely wretched after (my mom made me go home) and Ry bringing me McDo to make me feel better.
8. Grade 7 basketball and my grade school barkada's first real, silly fight.
9. Nikki and his guitar.
10. That Valentine's Day with Ma'am Iggy and Aisa at Moombah.

Plans B, C, D, and E

2004-10-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

I am having one of those few moments where I truly, truly feel afraid for my future. I've always messed up big time, and I've always fixed it or made up for it right after, but now I think that there's no way for me to get out of this rut I've gotten into.

FYI, I took a leave of absence from school last semester. I almost got dismissed from my college but got readmitted on contract. Basically, I have to pass 60% of my units, which doesn't really sound like a lot right? And really, there's no reason for me to do as badly as I have last semester because I've pretty much dropped most of the heavy extracurricular activities. It's not official yet, but my gut is leaning towards the "I messed up and failed 135 again." side of the scale.

I hate this feeling. I've always seen myself as this A-type personality, the person who'll be fine and get going no matter what, and now I'm beginning to doubt if I am that person. Maybe I've been in denial and all I am really is a fashion-savvy, tennis playing, girly-girl with mediocre intelligence.

Life books always say that one should always have a plan in case the worst happens, so I came up with the following options to respond to failure:

1. Run away to an island with virtually no money, become a cocktail waitress, and hope to meet fellow bums.
2. Shift (to where and if they'd even take me are the major questions) courses. But first, be a non-major for a year.
3. Cry.
4. Beg to stay where I am and hope I don't fail any more subjects.

So, most of them aren't practical or even viable. I'll have to do a bit more research.

At A Standstill

2004-09-10T21:02:00.000-07:00

I think I'm partially deaf in both ears. How else would I explain my inability to modulate my voice down to a softer, likewise more feminine level?

Today is my mother's 45th (or is it 46th?) birthday, and in true 'sex and the city' fashion, she tells everybody, she's 35. I stayed home today and missed school (as well as my 135 exam) due to a grumpy tummy. It must have been the bad seafood. Or just karma for hogging all the good stuff. I do have the tendency to do that when my favorite food is served. It was just as well, I was at least able to help mom out with the food for her birthday dinner party, and got the necessary rest my stomach was demanding.

I'm in a slump at this very moment. There doesn't really seem to be anything to write about, or anything remotely interesting happening lately. (Well, there's at least one thing interesting...)I have to find something to do that will help me get over this standstill. Maybe test the limits of 'boredom as choice' and 'boredom as sudden existence' while I'm at it. Then I'd have something substantial to tell Ry over any other discussions on boredom and being bored.

September 8 Log

2004-09-08T03:00:00.000-07:00

Happy Birthday Mama Mary! Happy Birthday Tita Liza!Maben took us to Superbowl’s 120-eat-all-you-can dimsum with refillable iced tea as her birthday treat. For once, my exam was scheduled late enough for me to spare a bit of time to enjoy the company of friends and to stuff myself with yummy dimsum. Bern, Pia, and I spent many minutes standing by the buffet table waiting for the steamed dimsum to arrive (nauubos agad) and then hoarding it in piles on our little plates. Other people seemed to be doing the same thing, but they weren’t being as obvious as we were, only peeking at the table once in a while to see if anything’s been added. Iba talaga pag gutom, most of us missed lunch in preparation for Superbowl’s buffet.Thanks to the good heart of my ES11 professor, I was able to get through tonight’s exam. I spent a few hours yesterday at the faculty department solving problems step by step with his kind instruction. I detest math! (So what am I doing in Engineering!?) I never solve problems on my own. I’ve developed this habit of just reading through solution sets, and it’s hard to break.

Missed the Road Race 3 segment on Wazzup! Wazzup! last Monday. I had no idea it was going to be shown so early, and I switched channels right after I saw it wasn’t included in the previews. (I’m appalled by this show and its format!) Figured it was going to be for another episode. There’s going to be a Road Race 3 segment on Myx, hopefully I don’t end up missing that one, and that it’s longer than 2 minutes.I’ve been rather moody as of late. I suppose it’s really psychological on my part.

I’ve had several episodes this week where I was completely irrational. It’s insufferable on my part. Amazingly, the feeling of guilt is not as crippling as it used to be. Now, it’s manifesting itself as insomnia. I have hardly slept over the past three days, and I’m resigning myself to prolonged jogs, glasses of warm milk at bedtime, and peanut butter, jelly, and cheese sandwiches at two in the morning, until this insomniac phase passes over.

Road Race 3

2004-09-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

We held Road Race 3 and Rage yesterday, September 4, 2004. Justin’s team won the 15k pot, arriving at Big Kahuna at Eastwood at around 7:30.
The tasks:
1. Eng’g Lawn-Silly Task Relay
2. Kampo Uno- Rapelling
3. Intramuros- Building Location
4. Speedzone- Go-Karting
5. Antipolo- Lugaw (with icky condiments) eating
6. Fitness First- 3km Run/Bike/Climb

Being assigned to Kampo Uno was great, I was able have a go at the task and I was pleasantly surprised to find that I enjoyed myself. (Rappelling is fun! I have to take a few lessons when I find the time.) The ascent took me all of twenty minutes, and I was swinging all over the place for the first third of the wall. Josh was such a sweetie for being so patient, giving helpful tips and helping me get a hold on the technique. Great workout! The downside was having to be sticky and sweaty for the rest of the day.

As soon as the last team left Kampo Uno, we packed up and hit the road to Antipolo. The location for the last pit stop was at Chie’s house. It took us about an hour to get there(got there at 430pm), and I, having such a lousy sense of direction, ended up in this area that had talahib and had “dumpsite for salvaged bodies” written all over it. We all found it exceedingly funny that locating Chie’s house was such a difficult task, joking that the teams might never find the pit stop, and that we’d probably be stuck there for a long, long time. True enough, we were at Antipolo until 830. To top it off, Lisa, Lou, and I, almost died on the way down. I was already starving by then, and daydreaming about a nice cold shower and a steaming plate of anything savory and edible. I ended up in the gutter, and trying to get out of it, I swerved into the opposite lane and almost ran into a jeep running at full speed. Smart. At least, Chie’s house was a great pit stop to be in, because there were several humorous instances with the contestants trying to down lugaw with ketchup, sugar, and other gross condiments, that we all had something to laugh about while waiting for the other teams to arrive. I would have at least enjoyed myself before I died or got injured.

I’m extremely proud of Leah, Leah’s friends, Bianx, Ziggie, and Franco. They finished among the first ten, which isn’t so bad considering there were nineteen teams. I’m glad they were able to participate, and gladder even to find out they enjoyed themselves and would be willing to join a Road Race 4. Sayang lang, I missed Bianx and Ziggie at the party, since we all needed a shower and arrived at Eastwood, 11pm na.

Something not at all related:Talked to Bianx today. Sabi niya, any UP outsider who took part in the race won’t ever feel sorry for UP again, because the IEC girls were so pweety, and there were a number of great looking guys. Hehe. Bianx can be so funny sometimes, she notices the strangest things.

Recognition

2004-09-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

Tonight I am a single blade
of grass on a beach where
sands stretch many miles
Almost infinite
The tide comes in slowly,
creeping to that place where
I stand rooted, clutching sand
In me is the knowledge that
before long, the water will come to
loosen my grip on this sand
Yet, I do not stand stiff and rigid
I move with the wind instead
The water comes and
the water goes
Let it be gentle please
when it comes
To bear this blade of grass
Away from its sands

It's difficult to acknowledge that I only have a little time to enjoy this moment, this state of being I have right now, before I have to completely give it up.

the up and up

2004-09-01T23:31:00.000-07:00

What's in my cd changer:
1. Stacey Orrico--her cd with "Stuck" and "Hesitation"
2. Ashlee Simpson--Autobiography
3. Sarah McLachlan--Mirrorball
4. The Best of The Cars with "My Best Friend's Girl" on repeat
5. That 70's Show Soundtrack

General Mood for the Week: Rocking from hopeful/optimistic to depressed and bored senseless.

I'm mourning the loss of my scientific calculator. We've been through a lot of exams together. It's funny how we develop attachments to the most absurd of things.

Maybe all things happen to us at the right place, right time, and where applicable, with the right person. It's just when it doesn't work out the way we want it that we say it's the wrong anything. God, or whoever moves and shakes this universe plans in the long term. We can only fathom up to a few years, and when that happens, it's really just a stroke of luck.

Caltex Guerilla Signage

2004-09-01T04:29:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday, that's August 28, I joined the sisters in the "Caltex Guerilla Signage", a publicity stunt to promote the opening of Caltex Superstation 1. Basically, we were glamourized promo girls (in a good way). We had to wear Caltex Team polos with black pants and sneakers, hold on to our signs, and wave at passing cars.

It was okay. The sisters had fun and seeing the 2002s take charge was surreal. I could have had more fun, but I suppose my mood was dampened by not having slept at all the night before. I'm a grouch when it comes to missing my sleep. But Ikoy hooked us up--free gas, Pancake House certificates, and KFC coupons. All that plus a considerable amount to the sorority's treasury. I have no complaints whatsoever.

I remember being part of the first Caltex Team a couple of years ago. It was great because TIna, Tin, Bianx, Camille, Dinggay, GA Terry, Bernz, Sigs, Teeds, Issy, the 2002s--we were all there, and it was just one big outing.

Bummed

2004-08-26T21:27:00.000-07:00

I'm completely bummed right now. I'm always like this after rainy days. Add to that the fact that I'm bored out of my mind. It's frustrating. There has to be something to be said for wanting to beat with my fists and to cry out of utter BOREDOM! And it's not even because of a lack of things to do. I just am.

A few days ago, Josh and I amused ourselves with the Japanese crowd at UCC. It reminded us so much of Takeshi's Castle. And I guess we needed to do that in order to be oblivious of the fact that we were in one of those rooms that's probably a sure fire way to get lung cancer. No joke. UCC's smoking area is this tiny room on the second floor with a Star-Trekky 'press to open' entrance, tiny windows, an ac yanked to almost freezing, and no signs of an exhaust mechanism. By 11pm there was so much smoke in the room it looked like something out of a London Fog ad.

Tonight is Tina Foj's birthday party. I've missed her. Tina's a definite girl's girl, always refreshing company. Sadly, I have a big exam tomorrow that definitely needs attention. This always happens.

The Irrational Girl Ilang

2004-08-20T21:37:00.000-07:00

My childhood friend, Niko (who celebrated his first paycheck yesterday by taking me to see Stepford's Wives--film choice was due to my tight schedule of activities) just had his most recent experience of the dreaded irrational girl 'ilang'. After a day of what seemed to be young professional couple bliss, girl freaks and hence, ilang.

I think this common occurrence is due to my generation's growing confusion on where our beliefs are actually grounded--on one hand there's Catholicism and our patriarchal society, on the other, there's the fusion of new ideas from the modern West, that we should allow ourselves to do exactly what we feel, the whole kit and caboodle of 'being modern men and women', where men need not necessarily be strong or women need not make a man wait months before saying that sweet 'yes' indicating they are then actually a real couple.

We are all so well indoctrinated in the Catholic way of life from childhood that when we reach that age when new ideas are introduced, it becomes hard for our hearts to accept it. We may believe it in our minds but when we actually try to do something that breaks free from these 'conservative' beliefs, something tugs at our hearts and often we want to take it back. Which I think is exactly what happened to this girl. Of course she can't take back the hand holding or the mushy affectionate gestures from that day, but she can be ILANG.

And then there’s the guy version. But I have no idea what that’s about.

Good thing Niko thinks it's just all incredibly funny, this girl's naiveté. I've seen others take it so much harder.

I'm bothered by the existence of run-on sentences in this entry.

Happy Birthday Bern

2004-08-20T01:38:00.000-07:00

My friend, Bern, whose superhuman brain is matched only by her super-'human' heart turned 22 today, and with the help of her mom, the IE Department, IE friends, a full-blown catered surprise birthday party for her was held at the Engineering Lobby. Even the college's former dean honored our birthday girl with a little speech.

Bern manages to make even the most difficult subjects seem like a piece of cake. She's always, always cool, calm, and collected at crunch time while everyone looks like they're about to tear at their clothes. But what I love most about her that she still has a bit of that childlike wonder many people tend to lose along the way. Happy birthday to one of the most intelligent and generous women I've ever met!

High School High

2004-08-18T17:27:00.000-07:00

Had a blast last night with a few of my high school friends-- Weng, Leah, Joyce, and Bianca. We were all together in this unplanned little outing to support the opening of Mark's expansion of Grizzle, his seafood resto in Borakay. We met up at around 830 and got home eight hours later. It was one of those dinners where the food was superb, the company was delightful, and time seemed to be non-existent.Our conversation ranged from the practical serious to the incredibly silly. High school was revisited once more(as always). I often chide myself for how immature and petty I once was (from high school to around my fourth year in college) but I think it was in high school when I was at my worst. I just laugh with amusement at the things we did we once considered cool--the syota gang, creating expanded tambayan territory, making boys wait for hours, and many other unmentionables. I'm not complaining. I had The High School Life. It was "the good old days" and everything that was juvenile was exactly because we were all juvenile. What was ridiculous was borne out of innocence, and I'm glad I have all these memories from high school to laugh and be embarassed about.I very rarely have the chance to hang out with my friends from high school, but whenever we get the chance it's almost always this beautiful thing. I wish I had the perfect word for what we share. It is a relationship forged in youth and tested by time, where even silence is a comfortable conversation.

Out

2004-08-18T02:25:00.000-07:00

Take my keys on your way to the door
Hard to admit but you're the one they're meant for
I won't kiss you goodbye with my hand in your back pocket
I'll hide in the shadows instead

Before your baby even leaves the garage
I'm already opening the windows
You'll never know that back then
My hands weren't tied
But I couldn't make the choice
It's tough when you can't hear your own voice

This sounds a bit like that Beatles' song:
I want you,
I need you,
I love you

Today. Now. Later.
Whenever.
Tomorrow maybe never.
Just shut the door on your way out.

I'm no coffee drinker, but lately, I've been downing a lot of coffee trying to stay up for exams(to no avail). This must account for the weird, weird, weird dreams I've been having lately. I've been waking up with my pulse racing, feeling as if something is about to go wrong. This poem is about this episode in last night's dream. It just felt to me as if it were one of those moments that had a life of its own.

10 Ways to Spot A Sigma Deltan

2004-08-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

She can shrug from the bottle,
Lift her pinky to a teacup,
or tilt a champagne flute,
with equal aplomb.

She rushes in, but she's no fool.

She's a survivor:
of puberty, of heartache,
of career moves, of breast cancer, of life.

Hers is the noisiest table in the restaurant.

She's as stubborn as a mule
whether she's right or wrong,
but then again, she is always right.

She can spot your insecurities
with maddening accuracy
and then win you over
by revealing she shares them.

She gets down and dirty
with every hair in place.

Her bite is so much worse than her bark.

The most popular
adjective for her is taray,
even when she is Juliet to your Romeo,
or Damon to your Pythias. Or Sisyphus.

She's far from
perfect and she knows it, but
that doesn't stop her
from acting like she is.

Ah, the Sigma Deltan. All woman, and then some.

Being Marilyn Monroe

2004-08-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

I was walking to my first class when the sun disappeared and winds became high. Whoosh! It reminded me of Marilyn Monroe standing over the drainage (or Sarah Jessica Parker in "Sex and the City"), but instead of oohs and ahhs, I shrieked. I ended up walking to my first class with my back to the wall and my hands keeping down my over-excited skirt.I don't know why but there was something great about that moment, and just thinking about it and having a laugh is icing on the cake. Lesson learned: never wear skirts to school on windy days.